My Bible classes began working on the Beatitudes this week. The nine statements of Jesus at the outset of the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew's chapter five are familiar to Christians but are often foreign to the way we act. How are we supposed to rejoice and mourn concurrently? Who feels good about being mistreated? Philip Yancey translated these teachings as Lucky Are The Unlucky. Our class periods centered around our own translations of these contradictory, to the non-believer, words of truth from the lips of the Savior. Each student was assigned the task of recreating the Beatitudes in ways that made sense to them in twenty-first century Houston, Texas. What follows is a sampling of the theology of my eighth grade Bible classes:
"Blessed are the tired for they will wake up in God's arms."
"Blessed are those who have nothing for in heaven, there is nothing you can't have."
"Blessed are the moody for in heaven, you will have control over your emotions."
"Blessed are those about whom rumors fly for in heaven, there will be nothing bad anyone can say about you."
"Blessed are the short for God sees everyone as the same height."
"Blessed are the not-so-bright for in heaven, there is eternal knowledge."
"Blessed are the quiet for their words cannot hurt."
"Blessed are those with big feet for they will be able to leave a big imprint on others."
"Blessed are the bald because they always shine."
"Blessed are those who are eager to serve because they will be waited upon."
"Blessed are those who fight in war for they will live their lives in peace."
"Blessed are the ignored for the spotlight will be theirs in heaven."
"Blessed are the clumsy for they won't trip in heaven."
"Blessed are the deaf for they will hear God call them."
"Blessed are the paralyzed for they will walk with Jesus."
"Blessed are the teased and called names for God has a name for you: HIS CHILD!"
"Blessed are the immigrants for in the kingdom of heaven, everyone will be citizens forever."
"Blessed are the wondering for their questions will be answered."
"Blessed are the tardy for God has all the time in the world."
"Blessed are the elderly for in heaven there is excellent age reduction surgery."
"Blessed are the bald for they will have hair like Don King in heaven."
"Blessed are the lost ones for they will be navigated into heaven."
"Blessed are those whose families are torn apart for God is a tailor who will sew them back up."
"Blessed are those who are tempted and fall because there is no temptation in heaven."
"Blessed are the addicted for they will only rely on God."
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